How to Lose Someone

PART 1:

Keep the writings she left that you never read

because you cannot bear that she might have been mad

and you don't know if you can take seeing that in black and white

irrevocable print


Be afraid to light a candle, but once a year write to her in your journal, marked private, so she cannot see


Always think of her, but realize you have somehow forgotten what her voice sounds like


Try to remove the traces of loss you fear you might carry around like an awkward smell you can't seem to eradicate from an un-washable fabric


If you are shopping when you get the call that your grandma died

while waiting for news of your ailing mother

trying to distract yourself from the impending cosmic double blow

like a pair of treacherous proverbial maternal shoes hovering overhead

like Job anticipating yet-unknown trials

Take note of the pair of T bar pumps you just tried on

Walk listlessly through the rest of the store then leave, barely conscious of your surroundings


Write about it 12 years later


PART 2:

When people ask for your advice, tell them to do as you say, not as you do


Tell them to print their favorite picture


To light a candle


That any amount of time is ok to grieve


That according to Émilie du Châtelet's Conservation of Energy theory, energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it can only be transformed or transferred from one form to another


This means that their loved one may no longer be in physical form, but they still exist


This also means that the unbearable loss you now carry will never truly go away, but it will change over time

Morph

Become what you mold it to be

That sometimes this feels out of your control

but with time and practice and painstaking intention

possibly, one day it might become something


Beautiful.


Untitled painting by Amanda Manitach

  • Instagram

Copyright 2021  Christabelle Hall