PART 1:
Keep the writings she left that you never read
because you cannot bear that she might have been mad
and you don't know if you can take seeing that in black and white
irrevocable print
Be afraid to light a candle, but once a year write to her in your journal, marked private, so she cannot see
Always think of her, but realize you have somehow forgotten what her voice sounds like
Try to remove the traces of loss you fear you might carry around like an awkward smell you can't seem to eradicate from an un-washable fabric
If you are shopping when you get the call that your grandma died
while waiting for news of your ailing mother
trying to distract yourself from the impending cosmic double blow
like a pair of treacherous proverbial maternal shoes hovering overhead
like Job anticipating yet-unknown trials
Take note of the pair of T bar pumps you just tried on
Walk listlessly through the rest of the store then leave, barely conscious of your surroundings
Write about it 12 years later
PART 2:
When people ask for your advice, tell them to do as you say, not as you do
Tell them to print their favorite picture
To light a candle
That any amount of time is ok to grieve
That according to Émilie du Châtelet's Conservation of Energy theory, energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it can only be transformed or transferred from one form to another
This means that their loved one may no longer be in physical form, but they still exist
This also means that the unbearable loss you now carry will never truly go away, but it will change over time
Morph
Become what you mold it to be
That sometimes this feels out of your control
but with time and practice and painstaking intention
possibly, one day it might become something
Beautiful.
Untitled painting by Amanda Manitach